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Matt Bomer is Gay, I Guess

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by Richard Gadsden

So, Matt Bomer came out, I guess…

As some of you may know, on February 11, 2012, Matthew Bomer, star of White Collar (a USA Network television series), received a Steve Chase Humanitarian award for his work with charities helping in the fight against HIV/AIDS. In his acceptance speech, Bomer thanked his “family: Simon, Kit, Walker, Henry.” Kit, Walker, and Henry are Bomer’s children. Simon Halls is the man with whom Bomer has been rumored to be romantically partnered. Hence, in openly recognizing “Simon” as part of his “family,” Matt Bomer, effectively, came out as gay.

At least, that’s how most of the reactions took it. E! Online’s report on this story is titled, “Matt Bomer Comes Out as Gay Man,” directly stating this conclusion, right off the bat. Huffington Post expanded that a little bit in their article “Matt Bomer Comes Out As Gay: ‘White Collar’ Actor Thanks Partner Simon Halls, Kids At Awards Ceremony.” Now, I’m not going to attempt to argue that Bomer is not gay; as far as I can tell, all the evidence suggests that he is. I’m also not trying to get into the argument about whether or not non-straight stars have a responsibility to come out and help break down the widespread assumptions of heteronormativity. (Though, I think those could be great discussions to have in the comments or elsewhere.) Rather, I’d like to take some time to problematize a couple assumptions I’ve seen in the discourse about Bomer’s coming-out and that I think pop up in discussions about sexual/gender minorities too often.

In the speech, Bomer did not explicitly state that he and Halls were romantic/sexual/domestic partners of any sort. If we know that Kit, Walker, and Henry are Bomer’s children (which isn’t entirely clear from the speech, but can be verified elsewhere), we only know that Simon Halls is someone else Bomer considers part of his family. It’s not even entirely clear that Halls lives with Bomer, let alone has anything to do with the raising of Bomer’s children. From this much information, the two men could be relatives or close friends. Immediately concluding that they’re together in some intimate way and parenting the three kids together actually involves a number of assumptions.

Even knowing that Bomer and Halls are raising children together tells us nothing definite about the nature of their relationship. As rarely as it’s discussed, it is, in fact, possible for two people who are not romantically involved to raise children together. We often think of a family as a man and a woman, in love, with babies. Opening that up to non-heterosexuals, we can conceptualize a family as two people, in love, with babies. But there are more, different types of families than those. What about grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins who live in the same household? What about intimate relationships between more than two people? What about parents who aren’t together?

Co-parenting is a little known family arrangement in which two (or more) people raise children together, but are not in an intimate relationship with each other. Often, co-parents are free to pursue intimacy outside of the relationship, which is focused on their roles as parents. This kind of arrangement isn’t very well known, but it’s about to gain some exposure from the upcoming movie, Friends with Kids, about two friends who decide to enter just such an arrangement to avoid the negative impact a baby can have on a couple’s relationship. Being that this is a mainstream romantic comedy, I think it’s safe to expect that the two characters with the baby will get together in the end. But there are real people in long-term, non-sexual co-parenting relationships, and, from all we know about Bomer and Halls, this could be the case for them.

But really, you might be thinking, what are the chances of any of that? Two guys, together, with children—we’re pretty sure they’re a gay couple. OK, but there’s still a major problem with that. Even if we know that Bomer and Halls are, in fact, intimate partners, we still can’t just jump straight to the conclusion that either of them is gay. Gay men are not the only men who partner with men. As in so many cases of a same-sex relationship, the possibility of bisexuality or some other queer orientation seems to have been completely ignored in this discussion. Bomer has never explicitly identified himself as the “gay man” that E! and the Huffington Post define him as. For all we know, he could be bisexual, or pansexual, or attracted to publicists, or just into people whose names start with S.

A lot of this may sound pedantic to those of you who have experience with LGBT organizations and activities. Of course behavior does not equal identity. Of course families come in all shapes and sizes. Of course we shouldn’t make assumptions based on few facts. A lot of us repeat these talking points over and over again in workshops and panels and dialogues. And yet, again and again, these ideas go ignored, even in the most pro-LGBT spaces.

People want to know things and they want to know them definitively. When we’re not entirely sure how to categorize something, it’s a lot easier to just throw it in the box that seems closest. And when something doesn’t fit into any of our boxes, we get confused and angry, often trying to force it somewhere it doesn’t fit or ignoring it altogether. With sexual and gender identities, there are going to be a whole lot of cases of things being unclear or just not fitting. I think a lot of us know that, but we really need to work on how we deal with it. Paying lip service to the ideas of queerness, nonconformity, and non-binary identities isn’t really helpful if we go on making sweeping assumptions from a couple facts. We all need to make ourselves a lot more comfortable with being unsure, with not quite knowing, and with allowing people to define themselves on their own terms.

Bomer is partnered with a man, so he must be gay, the logic goes. That may well be true. That may well be untrue. Honestly, it doesn’t matter much to me. But I hope I can encourage you to think a little more about the ways that kind of logic might not be so logical after all, not just when a star “comes out,” but in your everyday interactions.

 

References:

Matt Bomer’s award acceptance speech: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=SpXHJFVnW8Q

E! Online on Bomer’s coming out: http://www.eonline.com/news/marc_malkin/matt_bomer_comes_out_gay_man/293928

Huffington Post on Bomer’s coming out: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/02/13/matt-bomer-comes-out-gay-thanks-partner_n_1272997.html

Friends with Kids trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Bd2UQmJ_DwI

One article about co-parenting: http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/01162011-no-sex-no-marriage-just-kids/

 

 



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